My life of fame and fortune began in 1970, when I was ten years old and appeared on The Flip Wilson Show, where I performed my impressions of the National Monuments. Reviews ranged from "… startling, I thought I was really at the Lincoln Memorial…" to "…Janet Periat is a brilliant talent. this shining star will not dim until the real Mount Rushmore crumbles to dust." Later that year, I received an Emmy Award for my impression of The Petrified Forest.

At twelve, I competed in the Summer Olympics where I was awarded a gold medal in a little known sport called Eyeball Wrestling-the last year it appeared in the Olympics. My Wink-Blink Maul move against East Germany's Helga Mueller upset a forty-year American loss in Eyeball Wrestling to the Germans. The legendary four-day celebration following my win is still talked about to this day. A plaster-cast of my eyeballs hangs on the wall of the US Olympic Museum.

At thirteen, I grew tired of my physical achievements and turned inward, concentrating on expanding my mental facilities. This turning point marked an intense period of achievement culminating in sixteen PhDs by the time I was eighteen, in subjects ranging from North American Bat Habitats to Microbacterial Deposits Under The Common Fingernail.

After having absorbed as much information as I could about the world, I set about to discover the Earth for myself. After traveling the world by scooter, I ended up in the Amazonian rainforest where I discovered a new race of miniature people ranging from six to eight inches in height. I named them Janet's Tiny Little Friends. Tragedy struck when I inadvertently destroyed their civilization after getting drunk and falling asleep on top of the tribe. While mourning the loss of my tiny tribe, I happened upon a strange seven-leafed blue plant that turned out to be a cure for baldness.

Upon returning to the US, I was a ghostwriter for several books: The King James Bible, The American Heritage Dictionary, Webster's Encyclopedia and The Joy of Cooking. After my rampant success, I went on to pen a best-selling novel based upon the life of William Shatner.

I have been married seven times (Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, George Clooney, Peter Steele, David Lee Roth and a guy named Mel from the Bronx are all former husbands) and have thirty-two children, all single births. Some of my famous offspring include: Pee-Wee Herman, Newt Gingrich, Britney Spears and the guy inside Big Bird. I will be undergoing plastic surgery soon to shore up the worn-out parts of myself.

In my spare time, I am building a nuclear reactor in my backyard.